nannies and porn

i am employed! i have my first contract: 6-8 weeks working for a public sector client. yes, it was through an agent but i'm still chalking it up as my first role under my own banner, it is hard to get a foot through the door with public sector work so i'm hoping to enthrall them with my business process mapping and become directly contracted further down the line. the role is three days a week and starts on wednesday...so the gears of micro-managing the change have been engaged and life is hectic.

i'm going to try not to allow this week's dispatch to become a rant about men and their inability to truly focus on more than one thing at a time. my gut-feeling is that i will fail. something about mothers' day stirs up a resentment which is not wholly fair or appropriate given the fact that we hope to be spoilt for our general wonderfulness. but its existence in the calendar leads us to dwell on what we do, and as such just how our other halves should be in reverent awe of this one day of recognition. in my heart i know that i am loved, respected and appreciated. but i'd just like it demonstrated a leeeeetle bit more, and especially on that day, regardless of whether it is a dreadful retail-driven consumer fest of appalling proportions or not.

i want that day to somehow encapsulate and reward the rest of the year; and i want it done with heartfelt genuity, possibly with a bit of grateful weeping and an awe-struck expression as the general enormity of a mothers role strikes like a lightening rod of reality into the heart of my husband. i'd like him to prostrate himself on the bed, earlier strewn with flowers and gifts and now adorned with croissant crumbs and freshly made coffee droplets, and to say "i really don't know how you do it. i have noticed this week you've managed to organise from scratch a nanny, the posting for which hit gumtree about 4 weeks ago in preparation for this moment, to interview a shortlist and choose one then arrange for an afternoon visit to introduce the children, followed up by a trial pre-school run, both walking and car, and meeting with other mums. wrapped around this you've organised sainsburys for two weeks of groceries including the weekend guests, done work from home as well as a day of marking, prepared the house for visitors, sorted all elements of our mothers' days, arranged a painter viewing and now agreed a price, arranged a hedge cutting (three men with chainsaws in the back garden while i marked accounting papers and drank tea; was tolerable...) and i've been in london for 3 days. and my business doesn't like me to do less than a 50 hr week. you've had two sets of friends around for playdates, cooked shortbread for the pre-school sale with the children, made cards for the teacher who is leaving, and cooked all the meals for the family. the washing is up to date, the beds are all clean, you appear to have cleaned the micro-wave for the first time this millenia, and i think you might have lost some weight".

this is unlikely. i hope to get a card. unlike last year. don't go there; the deep grief-wracked sobbing may have scarred adam more than intended. the wobbly hand as i accepted daugher #1's nursery-provided offering and the fresh onslaught of uncontrollable sadness in response to her unsure look were probably over the top. however i had been bed ridden for 24 hours with a sick bug the day before and wasn't really myself, and suddenly lost all ability to cope. so i think i will get a card. and i know that men do have it hard too. i know my husband's long hours are not his fault, that work-life balance is a nod in the direction of being allowed a doctors appt once every three years, that the economy is hard and we should all be grateful for jobs and not pushing back. however bodies are not just machines to carry around a brain in; large corporates should have some sort of direct answerabilty for the health of their employees and also their partners. and not a taxable benefit sort of answerability. more a "you should go home" or "we should have more people on this team" or "we should set some groundrules for acceptable working hours" or perhaps even "isn't there an EU directive that covers this sort of thing?"

i know; i am ranting. usually my work is going to be tues, weds and friday but next week they've requested weds, thurs and fri to get ourselves set up. the ability for my husband to release thursday seems to be questionable. just how flexible is a true work-life balance?

i truly am delighted i've got a position; a chance to earn some money and to start a reputation in my own right, but it is already a gentle reminder of the balance of power: who does the sick day cover? who does the early pick up? these are genuine questions; and each family does have to work this out for themselves and cover it in some way but it is another discussion point to have to negotiate our ways through. women working is more than just about money and childcare, it is about the withdrawal of the day to day coverage of the family side of life. however, as i've said above, we appear to have found our own mary poppins.

i decided that for day 3 of childcare i didn't want to increase the nursery hours: partly because the role is only temporary and partly because i want the children to be home based on a friday, and for pre-school to continue and to have one day without pick ups and drop offs. the nanny we've found seems to be heaven sent; seek and ye shall find etc. there was a wobble point when daughter #1 pointed to the dvd cupboard and informed her that they weren't allowed to watch them all as some were adult dvds..... there was no explanation for this. to try to explain she meant anything over a PG sounded like an excuse for porn. to make a joke about it not being porn made it sound like porn, and if she hadn't thought that initially then she would definitely now think it was porn. to say nothing but stare vacantly into the cupboard was the route i found i had taken. then i shut the door and changed the subject. so she probably thinks there's a lot of porn in there. however she didn't leave; and she ticks all the formal boxes, but more importantly all the informal ones. rosy cheeks, no warts, plays games, all sorts. in fact watching her with the children when icing cakes made me doubt my own approach; i seem to rush through all activities as if there's a train about to crash through the house. and it feels like there is; so i'm hoping a nanny for the day will give the children a different approach. she won't scold or, dominate them. never give them, cause to hate her. unlike me; both mine seem to not like me very much at the moment; this may be because i'm the main job do-er hence manic mornings and rushed evening activities lie with me. not just the once has a daughter of mine been heard to mournfully cry "i want my daddy", and for me to respond under my breath " you're not the only one". then to assert that daddy would have said exactly the same. although i'm not sure; i heard them merrily chuckling in the bedroom this morning while i showered and i had to stop and wonder how. how is there time for some chuckling this morning? are they dressed, hair up, breakfasted, shoes on, cardis ready, essential toys to hand? and i know that there should be time for that laughing and at point i am honestly grateful that perhaps adam isn't thinking of all the other things that need doing but allowing the moment to be, and to enjoy it.

so then we come full circle; in mothers' day we seek a full understanding recognition of what we do, however that can only ever really come from another women. men do different things well; they simply don't see or get everything else that needs doing, that it is not rose-tinted glasses that make us expect work to be flexible, but the genuine fact that someone has to do the other things. but if their difference means that they turn the full beam of their attention on to the children, that they have the brain capacity to play strange non-sensical games involving hiding, being unside down, and repeating funny words umpteen times then i'm pleased. and i'll just have to buy myself a huge present for sunday and give my mum a call to say thank you, i know what you did for me and i know what you continue to do for me and i'm just so grateful.